What is Forgiveness?

Around the holidays, people are always talking about forgiveness.  I think there is a general misconception about what forgiveness is.  Forgiveness is something that happens inside of you, for you.  It's not about the other person. Forgiveness might lead to reconciliation and the healing of a relationship.  Forgiveness also might lead to the ending of a relationship or firmer boundaries with someone you love. 

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness is one person’s inner response to injustice. Reconciliation is two people coming together in mutual respect. Reconciliation requires both parties working together. Forgiveness is something that is entirely up to you. Although reconciliation may follow forgiveness, it is possible to forgive without re-establishing or continuing the relationship. The person you forgive may be deceased or no longer part of your life. You may also choose not to reconcile, perhaps because you have no reason to believe that a relationship with the other person is healthy for you.

Here are some easy steps towards forgiveness:

• Acknowledge your own inner pain.
• Grieve for yourself, or step up a path to support your grief process.
• Protect yourself from further victimization.
• Try to understand the point of view and motivations of the person to be forgiven; replace anger with compassion.
• Forgive yourself for your role in the relationship/situation.
• Decide whether to remain in the relationship.
• Commit to stop playing the 'blame game'.
  

What Forgiveness Is Not…

• Forgiveness is not forgetting or pretending it didn’t happen. It did happen, and we need to retain the lesson learned without holding onto the pain.
• Forgiveness is not excusing. We excuse a person who is not to blame. We forgive because a wrong was committed.
• Forgiveness is not giving permission to continue hurtful behaviors; nor is it condoning the behavior in the past or in the future.
• Forgiveness is not reconciliation. We have to make a separate decision about whether to reconcile with the person we are forgiving or whether to maintain our distance.

Remember, forgiveness is not justice. It is certainly easier to forgive someone who sincerely apologizes and makes amends. However, justice—which may include acknowledgment of the wrong, apologies, punishment, restitution, or compensation—is separate from forgiveness. You may pursue your rights for justice with or without forgiving someone. And if justice is denied, you can still choose whether or not to forgive.

It is important to forgive.  It is equally important to surround yourself with healthy people who support you in becoming the person you want to be.  I encourage you to forgive, not to please your family or be able to put up with that person at Christmas... but to be able to set yourself free.  It truly is a gift that you can give to yourself anytime.  I also encourage you to reconcile the relationships that are healthy for you, and give yourself permission to end the ones that are not. 

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