"You complete Me" ... aaahhhh.... The famous Jerry Maguire line. "I am half a person", "Without you, I'd wither up and Die". Think about these types of statements on the header of an on-line dating description "Date me, so I can rely on you for my happiness!".. "I am looking for a partner who will always be there for me, because I can't handle being alone"... oh wait..I'm not finished.. What that also says is: "If you leave me, I will be sad, incomplete, I will be less then, and it will be your fault." Blaaa, Puke, Barf. Okay, so maybe it's not that bad.. The codependent experience of love is a great and valuable experience to have in the life. I think everyone should experience it once or twice. ... But do I want it forever, do I want it to be the only experience of love I have in this lifetime? Hell No!
All of our movies, songs and culture says that this IS love.. This feeling like I can't live without you (Twilight - lol), this experience that "I'll do anything for you!",.. Look at these song lyrics:
""I’ll do anything for you
You know I will,
oh I will If it means that I have to cry a sea of tears
You know I will,
long as you’re here
For you I will do anything
For you Anything for you I'll do anything for you
Oh yes I will If it means that I have to compromise the way I feel
You know I will
And if it means that I have to sacrifice to make things right..."
I'll be by your sideRead more: NESBY ANN - I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU LYRICShttp://www.metrolyrics.com/ill-do-anything-for-you-lyrics-nesby-ann.html#ixzz1fOcYIQSE
Copied from MetroLyrics.com
Folks, this is NOT love!
And so, it begs the question... What IS Love? Now, I'm not gonna go all cheesy and metaphysical on you and talk about how when you love yourself, you transcend the need for love... bla! That is just the extreme opposite of the above experience (codependence). Granted, this is also a valid, amazing, beautiful experience.. This transcending (think of monks), but I think that most of us want something in between. We want to experience Love, Partnership & Co-creation with another without attachment, resistance, & struggle. We want to be free from the experience of 'having our feelings hurt', or having to 'compromise'. Is this possible? Absolutely!
What so often happens in relationship/marriage is that individuals start 'compromising', they start 'making sacrifices'.... oh, how altruistic! haha..NOT! I am here to tell you that these things (given time) will tear down and disintegrate a relationship. You were not meant to live anything less than your ultimate desires and needs (and neither was your partner!) Now, here is the trick, and believe me folks, it's true. Most of us don't really know our desires & needs. Most of us haven't taken the time to really do the work, look at our filters and belief systems and get to know ourselves and what really drives us. We focus on strategies, we focus on what with THINK we need, what we THINK will make us happy. We don't look at the big picture of what we really want.
I'll give you a simple and silly example:
There is one orange on the table. I want it and so do you. We both reach for it at the same time, and.... What happens? What are some common responses?
The martyr response: "Oh, I love you.. so I'll give up what I want FOR YOU"
The victim response: "You always get the orange!"
...or the classic "C" word.. Compromise. "Okay, we'll cut it in half and each have half." (that way we can both at least get half of what we want)....
Well, you know what? I want to live in a reality where I get everything I want, not just half of it. I want to thrive in relationships where I get everything I want AND my partner gets everything they want TOO.
So how is that possible? By learning what drives us, what INTERNAL experience we need to feel alive and well, and then investing time to LISTEN and learn how to communicate with others to have the open dialogue necessary to create this. So, going back to our silly story, it would look like this: "Well, honey, why do you want the orange? What experience or need are you trying to meet?"... and then almost anything could come up.. "I'm hungry", "I need the vitamin C", "I need the rind for my cake", "I need to fill with cloves to make the house smell good.", "I need it for our son's science project."...haha.. you see, because we are all unique individuals, the possibilities are endless! This is where the relationship, the conversation, gets really good and juicy! This is where co-creation comes from!
Now, even if I wrote a 10 page series on this topic, it would never help you create it in your life, because it is about YOU. It's not about facts or theories.. It’s about a process. This is what I do as I life coach. I support you in this process. I assist you to bring forth hidden elements of yourself and open up locked doors. I assist you in learning the communication and listening skills to create dynamic dialogue. I assist you in unlocking your unique potential, and I support you to create SMART plans to take positive action to create the live you want. Interested? First sessions is FREE with no obligation so that you can get a feel for what life coaching is all about and how I work.
Mindy Amita Aisling
ICF Life Coach,
NFPT Fitness Trainer,
OMA Certified Mediator
Mindy Aisling is a certified life and business coach in Bend, OR, exceeding all of the educational requirements & training set forth by the ICF.
She has worked with such organizations as St. Charles Hospital, Soroptimists, The Dispute Resolution Center, Olympic Medical Center, Americorps, and Juvenile and Family Services.
Mindy has been featured in the New York Times, The Seattle Times, The Bend Bulletin, The Peninsula Daily News, KOMO 4 TV, The Oregonian and many more. You can learn more about Mindy here.
Mindy offers professional, affordable online coaching to clients around the world, and local coaching to clients in Bend, Oregon.
Licensed and Insured