During this season of Gratitude and love, I have been reflecting on all of the things that I am grateful for. A huge part of my life right now is my growing coaching business. I started volunteering as a life coach about 6 years ago, and I found that I had a natural knack for it. Now, I have my own business, training by one of the best coaching schools, www.ipeccoaching.com/, and on my way to applying for my ICF membership, www.coachfederation.org/.
As I reflect back to all the life-lessons, coaches, classes & spiritual teachers that have helped form me, and the unique, specific wisdom and coaching I have to offer, one of the women that come to mind is Pamela Wilson. http://www.pamelasatsang.com/. She is simply amazing and delightful.
Pamela Wilson is one of my favorite spiritual teachers. As a Life Coach, I have a deep love of questions. Pamela’s questions go really, really, deep, and I admire the grace with which she asks them. She really KNOWS that she (and everyone) is consciousness or "the sage", and that all experiences, feelings, ect are coming to you (the sage) to find out the truth about themselves. I have been honored to see her several times. This is a recorded Satsang: http://vimeo.com/9970344 that I think is a great example of her work, and her website is: http://www.pamelasatsang.com/
I use her philosophy and practices with my coaching, with myself, and with my family - with AMAZING results. For example, my son will come home from school all upset because someone hurt his feelings, I will let him vent, and then I will sit on the couch with him and ask him, "wow, what do you think it must be like to be that feeling?..ahh, that poor feeling! can you take that feeling (of hurt), and give it a hug?"...and I lead him into the place of "the sage", the true you, (that is always present, even amongst the biggest pain and suffering). When he is at a place of non-suffering, of oneness, we can discuss a choice of action... if it's even needed then...but at least then we have "clear seeing" to create action from. I am teaching my son that reacting from fear or pain does not create the best results, and I am giving him optimal tools to use to create the life of his dreams.
This a good example of why I specialize in relationships, specifically committed partnerships and families. Assisting families to live with passion, trust their intuition, communicate with love & have healthy boundaries is an honor. I believe one of the best gifts that parents can give their children is an education in emotional intelligence
Although my modality, and unique energy, is very different then Pamela’s, she has taught me so much, and I honor her. Thank you, Pamela!
How many times has someone told you to stop being judgemental? What do we mean when we say that? Is it possible for the mind to stop judging? Is judging ever useful?
According to www.dictionary.com the definition of Judgement is:
1. an act or instance of judging.
2. The ability to judge, make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, especially in matters affecting action; good sense; discretion: a man of sound judgment.
According to this definition, Judgement doesn't sound like a bad thing. Judgement permits one to take action and decide on a course of conduct. It allows life to be lived fully with healthy boundaries, clarity and decisiveness.
A more accurate choice of words for what most of us mean when we talk about not "being judgemental" is not being "critical" or not "criticizing" self or other.
The definition of criticize is:
1. Indicate the faults of (someone or something) in a disapproving way
Now, that seems like a tool that I might want to be cautious of using. I can’t image ever getting good results from thinking , being or speaking critical thoughts. I believe that every person deep down KNOWS the big T truth that they are perfect, whole and complete just the way they are. Therefore, when they are criticized or disapproved of, they automatically defend themselves because it is in direct opposition to what their soul knows to be true. Knowing that, we can never expect to get anything but a defensive angry person opposite us when we use criticism or disapproval.
How about if we use judgment though… what result could we expect from that? Where is the big T truth here? Let’s see.. If I was to “judge” you in word or thought, I would be forming an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely. I believe the response I would create in another would be appreciation. Think about it, if someone came to you with an objective and wise opinion, how would you feel?
My call to you is to embrace your judgment, heck, even embrace your criticism. When you feel it arise, say, “Thank You, what message do you have for me?” Then consult your higher self, your inner wisdom and ask it to give its opinion. Then ask Logic, “Is it objective, do I really know the facts?”, then consult Empathy, “Can I see it through their eyes?” .....
You see, you are so lucky because you have a whole round-table, an entire staff, at your side! You have judgment, wisdom, logic, empathy, compassion, and curiosity! Woot! Woot! What great tools! What valuable "staff members"!
Oh, so some of you aren’t completely sold yet, eh? Okay, let’s look at some statements that are often perceived as "judgments" (the stuff that folks say we should be trying to 'do away with'):
“That teacher doesn’t know what she’s doing!”
“That girl is so fat!”
“What a bad mom!”
Let's thank judgment for its amazing observations and opinions. Wow, I am so glad that I can recognize contrast in this world! Okay.. Time to consult the rest of my “staff”.. Enter the data in to the computer of my mind, soul and consciousness…
…be be be beeeep… processing results……
There were over 20,000 interpretations, suggested further recommended inquiries, and suggestions for possible big T truth behind your statements. Your top results were:
“I’m curious where that teacher got her ideas, because they are so different then mine”
“I’m concerned about that girl being unhealthy”
“That mom really makes me confront areas in myself that I am not okay with”
Opportunity to learn about yourself
What is your idea of a competent teacher? What results/data did you see that formed that opinion? Why do I care what someone else looks like? What does it mean to me/about me? What are my personal definitions of being a ‘good mom’? Am I willing to change those beliefs and definitions? If not, why not? Why did this thing trigger me?
Opportunity to learn about the data
What is the teachers background, education and groundbreaking ideas? Where is she coming from? What causes obesity? Could that person be sick or have a hormone disorder? How happy are that mom’s kids? What facts to know about her? What is her background? Have I ever personally gotten to know her?
Wow, if we would have stifled that, if we would have ‘done away with’ “judgment", we would have lost so much valuable learning!
So, you see, life is a constant exploration of ourselves and others, and judgment is one of the tools that allows us to be explorers of the world!
So get out your looking glass and go forward into the world with your curiosity!
From one explorer to another,
Mindy Amita Aisling
How are you currently living your life? Are you surviving? Or are you thriving? Is your life on hold? Are you living your dreams, or are you waiting for something? Take a look at the following statements:
"I've had a problem or challenge that's been around for a longtime, but I've never managed to sort it out"
" I have a pressing issue to resolve, but I don't know where to start"
"Things are okay for me, but could be better"
"My Life seems all work and no play"
"I think things would be great if only I had ________________"
"I feel isolated in my job but find it difficult to talk to colleagues in case they take it as a sign that I've failed"
"I'm hiding relationship problems because I can't share them with family and friends, as this would feel disloyal to my partner."
"I'm in a rut and feel too drained to get out of it"
"I've lost direction"
"If only my husband who change, we could be happy"
"If only my boss would recognize my work, I could get that raise"
Are any of these familiar?
If you feel like your life is like pushing a rock uphill - then you, my friend, are just surviving. Life was not meant to be lived like this. You don't have to work hard to be a good person. You don't have to give up your responsibilities to live your dreams. Just because you can't see the way that it is possible - does not mean that it isn't. You really can have everything that you want. That little voice that tells you that you are too fat, too skinny, too smart, too stupid, too ugly, too selfish, not enough of this, and too much of that... IS LYING! The cool thing about us (as humans) - is that we were made PERFECTLY - our innate dreams line up with our innate gifts! Whoa! That's right... exactly what you want to do is what you would be the best at doing.
It doesn't matter if you want to be a doctor, a mom, a rock climber, a dancer, a housewife or a guru. If it is your burning passion.. that little light inside of you that never goes out.. then it is also your calling! Now, I have a disclaimer I must give at this time.. It is NOT the thing that you THINK is going to bring your love and admiration. I see people all the time chasing goals to get the feelings that they so desire. It IS the thing that scares you when you think about pursuing it - It is the thing that you’re afraid to whisper, least it disappear. This is your calling – this is your wild and precious gift to life.
Live your gift. It is never too late. Start today.
"You complete Me" ... aaahhhh.... The famous Jerry Maguire line. "I am half a person", "Without you, I'd wither up and Die". Think about these types of statements on the header of an on-line dating description "Date me, so I can rely on you for my happiness!".. "I am looking for a partner who will always be there for me, because I can't handle being alone"... oh wait..I'm not finished.. What that also says is: "If you leave me, I will be sad, incomplete, I will be less then, and it will be your fault." Blaaa, Puke, Barf. Okay, so maybe it's not that bad.. The codependent experience of love is a great and valuable experience to have in the life. I think everyone should experience it once or twice. ... But do I want it forever, do I want it to be the only experience of love I have in this lifetime? Hell No!
All of our movies, songs and culture says that this IS love.. This feeling like I can't live without you (Twilight - lol), this experience that "I'll do anything for you!",.. Look at these song lyrics:
""I’ll do anything for you
You know I will,
oh I will If it means that I have to cry a sea of tears
You know I will,
long as you’re here
For you I will do anything
For you Anything for you I'll do anything for you
Oh yes I will If it means that I have to compromise the way I feel
You know I will
And if it means that I have to sacrifice to make things right..."
I'll be by your sideRead more: NESBY ANN - I'LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU LYRICShttp://www.metrolyrics.com/ill-do-anything-for-you-lyrics-nesby-ann.html#ixzz1fOcYIQSE
Copied from MetroLyrics.com
Folks, this is NOT love!
And so, it begs the question... What IS Love? Now, I'm not gonna go all cheesy and metaphysical on you and talk about how when you love yourself, you transcend the need for love... bla! That is just the extreme opposite of the above experience (codependence). Granted, this is also a valid, amazing, beautiful experience.. This transcending (think of monks), but I think that most of us want something in between. We want to experience Love, Partnership & Co-creation with another without attachment, resistance, & struggle. We want to be free from the experience of 'having our feelings hurt', or having to 'compromise'. Is this possible? Absolutely!
What so often happens in relationship/marriage is that individuals start 'compromising', they start 'making sacrifices'.... oh, how altruistic! haha..NOT! I am here to tell you that these things (given time) will tear down and disintegrate a relationship. You were not meant to live anything less than your ultimate desires and needs (and neither was your partner!) Now, here is the trick, and believe me folks, it's true. Most of us don't really know our desires & needs. Most of us haven't taken the time to really do the work, look at our filters and belief systems and get to know ourselves and what really drives us. We focus on strategies, we focus on what with THINK we need, what we THINK will make us happy. We don't look at the big picture of what we really want.
I'll give you a simple and silly example:
There is one orange on the table. I want it and so do you. We both reach for it at the same time, and.... What happens? What are some common responses?
The martyr response: "Oh, I love you.. so I'll give up what I want FOR YOU"
The victim response: "You always get the orange!"
...or the classic "C" word.. Compromise. "Okay, we'll cut it in half and each have half." (that way we can both at least get half of what we want)....
Well, you know what? I want to live in a reality where I get everything I want, not just half of it. I want to thrive in relationships where I get everything I want AND my partner gets everything they want TOO.
So how is that possible? By learning what drives us, what INTERNAL experience we need to feel alive and well, and then investing time to LISTEN and learn how to communicate with others to have the open dialogue necessary to create this. So, going back to our silly story, it would look like this: "Well, honey, why do you want the orange? What experience or need are you trying to meet?"... and then almost anything could come up.. "I'm hungry", "I need the vitamin C", "I need the rind for my cake", "I need to fill with cloves to make the house smell good.", "I need it for our son's science project."...haha.. you see, because we are all unique individuals, the possibilities are endless! This is where the relationship, the conversation, gets really good and juicy! This is where co-creation comes from!
Now, even if I wrote a 10 page series on this topic, it would never help you create it in your life, because it is about YOU. It's not about facts or theories.. It’s about a process. This is what I do as I life coach. I support you in this process. I assist you to bring forth hidden elements of yourself and open up locked doors. I assist you in learning the communication and listening skills to create dynamic dialogue. I assist you in unlocking your unique potential, and I support you to create SMART plans to take positive action to create the live you want. Interested? First sessions is FREE with no obligation so that you can get a feel for what life coaching is all about and how I work.
You deserve everything on this "Personal Bill of Rights" without question. Many of us accept less than our rights by allowing people to treat us in ways that do not support our well-being. In a healthy relationship, all of these will be present. Both people will be gladly (and easily) giving and receiving the below list of rights.
You have the right to be happy
You have the right to be the final authority on what is best for you.
You have the right to control your own life and to change it if you are not happy with it as it is. This includes ending relationships with friends and family members, and removing anyone or anything that is toxic to your wellness.
You have the right NOT to be responsible for other adults’ problems
You have the right not to be liked by everyone.
You have the right to ask for what you want.
You have the right to be human - NOT PERFECT.
You have the right to be angry and protest if you are treated unfairly or abusively by anyone.
Now is the time to become your own best advocate. Stand up and be an ambassador for your rights. Standing up for the rights you are entitled to is the first step towards creating the healthy boundaries necessary to build a thriving, successful life.
Mindy Amita Aisling
ICF Life Coach,
NFPT Fitness Trainer,
OMA Certified Mediator
Mindy Aisling is a certified life and business coach in Bend, OR, exceeding all of the educational requirements & training set forth by the ICF.
She has worked with such organizations as St. Charles Hospital, Soroptimists, The Dispute Resolution Center, Olympic Medical Center, Americorps, and Juvenile and Family Services.
Mindy has been featured in the New York Times, The Seattle Times, The Bend Bulletin, The Peninsula Daily News, KOMO 4 TV, The Oregonian and many more. You can learn more about Mindy here.
Mindy offers professional, affordable online coaching to clients around the world, and local coaching to clients in Bend, Oregon.
Licensed and Insured