#1 Letting the opinions of others control your life
You have the right to do exactly what’s best for you and your life, not what’s best for everyone else.
Homework: Make a list of all the things you want that you have not taken action on because: you feel they are “selfish”, you are afraid of what others think or how they will judge you, you feel like you “can’t because it will hurt of offend someone, you feel like you don’t have permission. Work with a coach to look at the limiting beliefs that are blocking you from getting what you really want. (I offer one-time coaching sessions or e-mail coaching sessions for specific strategy development at discounted prices (yeah, like, as low as 10 bucks!))
#2 The shame of past failures
Your past does not equal your future. All that matters is what you do right now.
Homework: Create a ritual for yourself. Write down all the things in your past that you haven’t yet been able to let go of or forgive yourself for. Make a conscious choice to let it go. Verbalize this choice by saying out load, “I choose to let go and forgive myself for_______.” Take the paper and burn it or rubber band it to a rock and throw it into the ocean. As the paper disappears, visualize your past failures disappearing. Do this as many times as you need to in order to let go of the layers of shame that have built up.
#3 Being indecisive about what you want
You will never leave where you are until you decide where you would rather be. Make a decision to figure out what you want, and then pursue it passionately. Making the wrong choice is better then making no choice.
Homework: Set a timer for 5min. Sit in a comfortable place and allow yourself to daydream. Where do you want to go? What do you want to do? When your 5min timer goes off, open your eyes and write down one goal in your life. Over the next week, research what steps you need to take to get where you want to go. The following week, take action on your first step. Don’t stop until you get what you want!
#4 Procrastinating on the goals that matter to you
There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist or accept the responsibility for changing them. The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is now.
Homework: Make a list of all of the things that you have been putting off. This could be anything from changing the light bulb in the garage to getting your degree. Organize your list into things that take 10-20 min to comeplere, things that take 1-3 hours to complete, things that take 1-3 days to complete, 1-4 weeks to complete, and long term. Get out your calendar and put one of the smaller tasks on each of the days. Make a plan for the longer term tasks. Ask for help. Delgate.
#5 Choosing to do nothing
“ Successful people aren't born that way. They become successful by establishing the habit of doing things unsuccessful people don't like to do. The successful people don't always like these things themselves; they just get on and do them.”
Homework: Stay aware! Next time there is a task or action that you don’t want to do, do it anyway. When you complete the task – celebrate – reward yourself for taking action and moving towards success.
#6 Your need to be right
Would you rather be right, or happy? Are you trapped playing the “I’m right, your wrong” game?
Homework: Practice being wrong. The next time that you are in a conversation or argument with another person – let them be right! This might feel uncomfortable at first, but with practice you will realize that you have less frustration and angry, and more joy. You will discover that many of the positions that you spend energy “proving” that you were right on, are less important then you thought – and all that energy you spent holding on to your positions can now be used to create the life you want.
#7 Running from problems that should be fixed
The longer your run from your problems, the further you get from the solution
Homework: Stop! Get the support you need to conquer your problems. Relay on your self-care skills. It might be hard or painful to go through facing your problems – but on the other side is pure freedom!
#8 Making excuses rather then decisions
Most long-term failures are the outcome of people who make excuses instead of decisions.
Homework: Buy a small notebook to keep on you, in your purse or glove box.. and every time you find yourself making an excuse or blaming someone, “the system”, “they”, your genetics, your history, an institution, your community, write it down! Before you go to sleep at night, look over your notebook and take the time to see how you can take your power back, and stop using this excuse that has been limiting you. If your stuck – get a coach to help you.
#9 Overlooking the positive points in your life
What you see depends entirely on what you’re looking for. What if you woke up tomorrow and only had the things that you were grateful for today?
Homework: Buy a beautiful journal or scrapbook. Everyday note something that you are grateful for. To it for an entire year, and don’t repeat any of your entries. Take the time to tell people how much your appreciate them. Try to tell 3 people each week about how you are grateful for them. This could be your husband or the person bagging your groceries at the market.
#10 Not appreciating the present moment.
Normally, when we have a problem, it involves something that has already happened, whether two seconds or two decades ago, or something that we anticipate will happen in the future. We almost never have a problem in the present moment.
Homework: The next time you find yourself in fear, worry or some time of emotional pain, STOP! Take 5 deep breaths and release each breath as slow as you can. Realize that the past is gone and the future is only a story in your mind. Take note of the moment, focus on the beauty and wonder of the objects around you. Notice only what is actually happening in the moment.
Special Thanks to Covey and Millman who inspired this post!
Do you want more passion and ooey-gooey love in your relationship, but when it comes to stepping out of your comfort zone, that ole Chicken starts to go Bwak, bwak, bwak.....
Step out of your comfort zone and rock it with your sweetie tonight!
Let's face it - We've all know those women who walk into a room and are immediately noticed. Those ones that draw attention and admiration without (seemingly) trying. These are the ladies who aren't necessarily the prettiest, the smartest, or the skinniest... but there is something about that them that draws others in, and commands respect, attraction and curiosity.
Well, lucky for you and me, I know what sets these types a part, and I will let you in on their secret. Psst.... come a little closer and let me whisper in your ear.. the secret is..... They are in love with themselves, they know who they are, what they need to thrive, they enjoy who they are; and because of this they have the capacity to love and enjoy others. That's attractive.
So what does this have to do with you and your sweetie under the covers? When you step into a deep love affair with yourself, stepping out of your comfort zone will be easy - and whether it's new lingerie, role-playing, lap dancing, or a new location or toy, surprising your sweetie with something special will be no problem at all.
Here are 5 things you can do right NOW to begin a sizzling love affair with YOU!
1. Make a list of all of the challenges and obstacles in your life that you've overcome. What strengths and skills did you use to master those difficult times? Set the timer and spend at least 3 solid minuets reflecting on how absolutely amazing your are!
2. List 5 things that make you, youarific - what are things that are unique, quirky, silly and maybe a bit embarrassing about you? Embrace these things. Call a friend and share with them something unique about you. Have a good laugh about it.
3. List three people you know and admire. What are the traits you admire about them? Now - look at your list. Guess what? These are qualities YOU have - that is why you are able to recognize them! Now, call one of these people up - let them know your doing an assignment, and ask them what they admire about you. Take a deep breathe and RECEIVE what they say.
4. Lay or sit in a comfortable spot, set a timer for 3 minuets and for that entire time: LOVE your body! Thank your legs for walking, appreciate your eyes for seeing, love your fingers for typing. Get deep into gratitude for all the amazing ways your body allows you to live in this world.
5. Dance. Put on your favorite song and Boogie-down with your bad self!
Now - you are powered up - infused with self-love and ready to surprise your sweetie with something really HOT tonight!
*Note: Some of these steps might push you out of your comfort zone... but, isn't it worth a try? What if self-acceptance, self-love and increased joy & passion is on the other side? It is worth the risk, you only live once - step into your life, and live it fearlessly.
So, why does nagging happen, and why is it so hard to stop?
Easy, it is because whether it is the dishes not getting done, or a lack of romance in the relationship - your needs are not getting met. When your needs are not met - especially when you feel justified in your need - you tend to nag your partner to meet those needs. The more you feel deprived, the more your emotions get entangled, and the more heated and snide the nagging becomes. From here, there is only one place to go. The Pit. It's not a great place. Your partner isn't inspired to do the things you ask. You are not fulfilled. The Pit isn't the place where love, passion and intimacy live.
So, the million-dollar question then becomes - How can I get my needs met WITHOUT nagging?
1. Know your NEED and give up your STRATEGY
2. Don't "SHOULD" on your spouse/partner
3. Take 100% responsibility
4. Focus on what you DO want
5. Communicate and get Creative
6. Go with what works
7. Get GROOVY with Gratitude
#1 Know your NEED and give up your STRATEGY. Okay – so let’s explore this a bit more. What is the difference between a need and a strategy? A need is the EXPERIENCE that you need to feel thriving. Needs are things like, clarity, connectedness, love, and appreciation. A Strategy is the solution you see to gain the experience that you want. For example you might have a need for clarity or simplicity in your life. For many people clutter and dirt around the house can get in the way of these experiences. When our spaces our cluttered it is easy for our minds to feel cluttered. A Solution to this is to have everyone pitch in for housework. Another example is a need for connectedness. This need might show up in strategies like nagging your partner to be home for dinner more, or giving up golf. Take some time to find out what your need is – and then give up your strategy.
#2 Don’t “SHOULD” on your spouse/partner. No one likes to be ‘should on’. I guarantee you that this will never get good results. Everyone wants to be accepted for who they are exactly as they are – warts and all (and let’s face it – isn’t this the way you want to love your partner?). So, if your spouse is a slob, if your husband doesn’t have a romantic bone in his body – that’s OKAY. Don’t treat them like the “should” be different then they are.
#3 Take 100% responsibility for your own needs. This means every time you have a thought that sounds like this, “If _________ was different, I could be happy.” Red flag! Red flag! Wake up – this is you giving up your power! Take it back by accepting 100% responsibility, stop the blame game, and get curious about yourself. Why do you need your spouse, your job, your mom to be different? What are you waiting for to be happy? Which of your needs aren’t getting met?
#4 Focus on what you DO want. Ask yourself these questions: What do I want for me? What do I want for you? What do I want for this relationship? Take some time to REALLY look at the answers. Look long-term, look short-term, look deep and really explore all 3 questions.
#5 Communicate and get Creative. Now it’s talkin’ time! State your intention & ask for what you want. That might sounds something like this, “I really want to be more on top of my game, and I really need the house clean in order for my mind to be clear enough to do that – would you be willing to help me with some chores?” or “I really love you, and want us to feel more connected. For me, I think this could be achieved by spending more time together. Would you be willing to come home a bit earlier a few days a week?”
#6 Go with what works. Now here is the clincher – Your spouse will NEVER be able to meet ALL of your needs. If after making a request, you do not get the results you want – Let it go. That’s right, no nagging, no blame, no shame. Just let it go and find another way to meet your need. It’s YOUR need, so go back to #3, take 100% accountability and come up with a new strategy to try. Go with what works (stop forcing what doesn’t work)
#7 Get GROOVY with Gratitude. Take a look at your partner and everything they do and give that enriches your life. Allow yourself to be wrapped up, snuggled, and caressed by deep, rich gratitude. Do this daily (and let your gratitude shine)
Mindy Amita Aisling
ICF Life Coach,
NFPT Fitness Trainer,
OMA Certified Mediator
Mindy Aisling is a certified life and business coach in Bend, OR, exceeding all of the educational requirements & training set forth by the ICF.
She has worked with such organizations as St. Charles Hospital, Soroptimists, The Dispute Resolution Center, Olympic Medical Center, Americorps, and Juvenile and Family Services.
Mindy has been featured in the New York Times, The Seattle Times, The Bend Bulletin, The Peninsula Daily News, KOMO 4 TV, The Oregonian and many more. You can learn more about Mindy here.
Mindy offers professional, affordable online coaching to clients around the world, and local coaching to clients in Bend, Oregon.
Licensed and Insured