1. Be Authentically You, As Only You Can Be.
Authenticity is attractive. Think about a time when you witnessed someone shining their light and expressing themselves fully without moderation. It was attractive, right? When people live from their core, and fully express themselves, it is intoxicating. It is magnetic. Living your full authentic expression is guaranteed to increase your sex life. The hurdle is that many of us don't know who we really are at our core, when we are not trying to get things done or please other people. Some times living your authentic self takes a bit of exploration and discovery. It's worth it. Not only will it increase your sex life, but it will also increase the joy and sense of contentment in your life.
2. Laugh More
You've heard the saying, 'Laughter is the best medicine', right? Well it's true; and it's good medicine for your sex life as well. Partners that laugh together, play together and goof off together experience a higher level of intimacy and desire for each other. It's easy to look for ways to add laughter into your life. My favorite challenge is to mix a dash of laughter into my life whenever I feel triggered or defensive. Not cynical, forced, sarcastic laughter - but real 'from the belly' laughter. In order to do this, you are required to learn not to take yourself (and life) so damn seriously. It's a powerful way to transform yourself, and your relationships.
3. Increase Your Sensuality
What is sensuality? From the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the definition is: relating to or consisting in the gratification of the senses. Increasing your sensuality doesn't happen only in the bedroom - it happens in your life. Many of us become shut down to our senses as we rush through life. Today, feel the wind on your face, spend time with how delicious and rich your coffee is, delight in the feel of water on your skin in the shower, marvel at the sensation of fabric against your skin, indulge in the softness of your bed when you lie down at night. Open up your sensuality - and yes, it will lead to opening your sexuality.
4. Be Open & Vulnerable
Let's face it, sex with someone who is closed off is just not that much fun. Being vulnerable with our mates is just about the bravest thing that we can do. Creating a culture of vulnerability in a marriage is pure magic. When we open ourselves up mentally and emotionally to someone without barriers, we build the foundation of amazing sex. This is the entire premiss of Tantric Sex, a powerful practice of deeply connecting to your partner. Vulnerability is a choice, and when chosen, it exists inside and outside of your bedroom. In my opinion, learning to be open and vulnerable with your partner is one of the most powerful ways to keep your sex life active.
5. Increase Your 'Vital Balance'
When we become unbalanced in our lives we have no time or energy for sex. I've discovered what I call 'Vital Balance' for myself, which is a specific 'recipe' of what I need in various doses to feel vital in my life. Do your know your 'vital balance' recipe? Once you discover and live that recipe, you will notice that your sex life increases naturally as you create the space, time and energy for it to thrive in your relationship.
6. (Bonus!) Be Selfish
I love being selfish. I think being selfish has gotten a bad rep, when really it is one of the most powerful positions to be in. When I am selfish (definition: when I know my needs and I get them met), I become a cup overflowing with energy, vitality, gratitude and generosity. Most of us think that we are 'good' people if we put ourselves very last - after we meet the needs of everybody else. This is the biggest limiting belief we can hold. The big 'T' truth is that when we put ourselves first, this allows us to be of service to others. When we give ourselves permission in the bedroom to be selfish, sex goes from good to great. When we give ourselves permission in our lives to be selfish, life transforms from duty to delight.
The words we use are powerful and they construct the world in which we live. Expansive words can make you feel expansive, and are used to open up possibilities and action. They are also used to create healthy boundaries so that you have the time and energy to focus on your authentic purpose. These words open conversations and allow for greater connection with others.
Contracting words make you feel diminished and shut down. These words create ambiguity, procrastination, separation and judgement. These words fuel arguments, promote misunderstandings and harm relationships.
The words we use have a powerful impact on ourselves, our relationships, and what we create in our lives. Use the list below to help you become aware of what types of words you use.
Another benefit of changing your language is that it is a quick and easy way to do an alignment check. When I say, "I need to go to this networking event" I am not at choice, I am not evaluating my values and time, I am simply being a slave to something that "needs" to be done. When I change the language to, "It's important to me to go to this networking event" instantly I have a reaction in my body. This reaction confirms that it is important to me, or I discover that it actually is not important to me and I then can make a new choice.
The language we use is more than semantics, it is one of the tools we can use to transform our lives.
Love. What is it?
We have so many strange ideas about it. The strangest idea that we tie to love is commitment. What does that mean? When we love someone, what are we committed to, exactly? We have an idea that love and ‘forever’ go together. As an American culture, we have built a society around tying those two ideas together. I think this is so interesting. I think these two things can go together, but I don’t think they have to; and I think believing that they have to can actually harm our individual growth and full expression of self.
I don’t think that we should commit to love ‘forever’; in fact, I don’t think that we can, at least not in the way that we perceive and define love within the context of relationship and marriage. What does it mean to commit to loving forever? What kind of love? Are we committing to romantic love forever? Friendship love? Oneness love? Does loving someone mean that you have to stay in relationship with them?
Here is the plain truth: My definition of love has changed over and over again as I grow older. At 20 I thought that I knew what love was, and committed to it. Of course, by 28 that definition had changed completely. So, in my marriage, what did this mean – that I stay committed to my original definition or do I redefine my commitment and commit to something new? What if my new definition of love doesn’t work within my relationship anymore? Do I just give up and stay in the box that I originally committed to? I think that most people do, and I think that they die a little bit on the inside because of it.
We were born to change. We were born to be evolving creatures, to redefine ourselves. We were born to change our minds, our thoughts and our ideas. Then, we are faced with having to make choices to support, shelter and grow this ever changing person that we are, and that we are becoming.
If you are in a marriage or partnership with someone and they are changing and evolving at the same rate and in the same way as you, congratulations! That is a beautiful experience. If you have changed and evolved and your relationship is no longer serving you (or your partner) it’s okay to end that chapter and start another. In fact, that is the most loving thing that you can do.
I believe that loving someone means committing to being my full expression of self (whatever that may look like), and supporting your partner in being their full expression of self (whatever that may look like). Every person deserves two things:
1. To be accepted as their complete, authentic, full expression of self.
2. To be with a partner who is unapologetically, unabashedly expressing their full expression of self.
If I ever stop thriving in my marriage, I will leave - because I love my husband SO much that I always want for him to have the amazing experience of being with a thriving partner AND, I love myself so much that I will never tolerate less then living fully alive. To me, that is love. Holding myself and my partner in the highest for each of us. This does not mean that we don’t work on our relationship, go through hard times or experience the ebb and flow of life. It means that we are more committed to seeing ourselves thriving then to the idea that love means staying together forever.
In every moment, in every situation, there are only two choices: Love or Fear. Which one is keeping you in your relationship? Sometimes ending a relationship is really the most loving action that you can take for yourself, and for the other person. Take some time today, this week, this year and think about love and relationship. What does it mean to you? What is your clear definition of love? What kind of love supports you in being your full expression of self?
Sit down, relax, and enjoy this guided meditation!
Do you desire something different in your life? Many (if not all) of us do. Some of the common human desires are:
· To increase financial abundance
· To increase love & connectedness with others
· To increase romance
· To increase a sense of purpose and/or impact on the world
· To know oneself and live authentically
If there is something that you desire to be different in your life, and you haven’t yet achieved it, then there must be obstacles in the way.
Try this fun (if silly) exercise to help you become aware of what is blocking you, and working on removing it.
Set your table with the utmost beauty. Set out for yourself a treat that you enjoy (be it steak or chocolate cake!). Dress up. Add some red candles, a red rose, a heat-resistant bowl with water, and paper and pen. Settling yourself at the table, light the candles. Now, write down all the obstacles you recognize, such as self-doubt, feelings of unworthiness, feelings of lack, and so on. Remember to be explicitly honest with yourself. No one else is going to read this, it is between you and the Universe. When you are finished, light that paper from a candle. Let the paper burn and then drop in into the water to extinguish the flame. Imagine all of your blocks softening and becoming easy for you to remove. Imagine them melting away. Now, enjoy your treat. Savor each bite, as you to focus on all of the wonderful (delicious!) things that you have made room for in your life by removing your obstacles. Imagine abundance of every kind coming to you with ease. Set the rose out where you can see it, and let it remind you of the negative energies that you have banished from your life.
When I strip away what I DO,
When I strip away my roles and titles – Who am I?
When I sit in the stillness of being, what is left?
My heart beats in wonder.
I am breath.
I am this wide feeling of expansion in my chest,
I am the lightheaded fuzziness that my random thoughts float around in
I am deep contentment
I am warmth
I am nothing
I am everything
All of it
Confusion and clarity
I am whole,
And when I believe it, I am separation.
I am desire
Not for any one thing
But just desire itself
The yumminess and gooeyness,
The delirium; of desire
All wrapped up in one.
Every single person on this planet longs for more self-confidence and self-acceptance. It’s true, even the people who you think have it all together, weather it’s someone you know personally, a guru, or a movie star. Each of us is working to love ourselves in a deeper and deeper way.
Why? Well first of all, it just feels good. Secondly, for practical reasons, it makes life easier and success more assured. Running your life without confidence in yourself is like running your car without oil, it just doesn’t operate that well.
Have you ever heard the saying,: We train others how to treat us? Well, it’s true. There is also another not-so-well-known truth, and it is this: We train ourselves how to treat us. This means that in order to be more self confident, we have to train ourselves to be that way.
Here are four (body – mind – spirit - magic) actions steps you can take to increase your self-confidence:
1. Strike a power pose. You body gives information to your mind, emotions and spirit. Research as proven that by striking a ‘power pose’ you can increase your feelings of self-confidence. To invoke a power pose, sit up or stand with your spine straight, roll your shoulders back, and lift your chin. If your standing, plant your feet firmly into the ground feet shoulder with apart, allow your arms to hang loose with palms open. Try it right now, it will change how you feel.
2. Give yourself a new mantra. It is easy for our brain to get into a rut of thinking one way. In order to get out of that rut, we must dig a new channel. To do this, create a manta that empowers you and tell it to yourself over and over (and yes, over some more) until you are living it. Possible mantras are: My ideas and contributions are valuable. My innate wisdom provides me with all I need to know in any situation. I am filled with love, and nothing (and no one) can stop me from loving in every moment. I am amazing and desire all the things I desire.
3. Meditate. Give your spirit a chance to feel the peace and confidence that comes with just being. Each of us as a natural state of being, and in that natural state (at rest) we know that everything is okay. It’s all good. There is nothing that need worrying about. Commit to meditating just 10min a day and ‘plug in’ to that natural state of peace & confidence.
4. Cast a spell. This might sound silly, but playing with the Universe is a fun way to help manifest the things we desire, and invite more silliness into our lives. If you are open to it, cast this spell: To build confidence today, brew some black tea. As you add honey to it, whisper: “The sweetness of life is mine to savor.” Before drinking, say: “Black tea, evoke confidence within me.” While you drink your confidence tea, visualize yourself confident and self assured in every situation. Imagine the people you many encounter and the places you may go today. See and feel those around you reacting in a positive way to your calm confidence. To add potency to this spell, carry one black tea bag with you all day, then place black tea leave in your pillow or under your matters while you sleep.
Mindy Amita Aisling
ICF Life Coach,
NFPT Fitness Trainer,
OMA Certified Mediator
Mindy Aisling is a certified life and business coach in Bend, OR, exceeding all of the educational requirements & training set forth by the ICF.
She has worked with such organizations as St. Charles Hospital, Soroptimists, The Dispute Resolution Center, Olympic Medical Center, Americorps, and Juvenile and Family Services.
Mindy has been featured in the New York Times, The Seattle Times, The Bend Bulletin, The Peninsula Daily News, KOMO 4 TV, The Oregonian and many more. You can learn more about Mindy here.
Mindy offers professional, affordable online coaching to clients around the world, and local coaching to clients in Bend, Oregon.
Licensed and Insured