Habit #1 – Knowing that my partner has ZERO responsibility for my happiness.
I never expect my husband to be any certain way so that I can be happy. If I want to feel a certain way or if I want to have a particular experience, I take 100% responsibility for creating that feeling or experience for myself. Most of the time, I want to feel happy, confident and sexy. I’ve done the inner-work to know myself, and to know exactly what I need to experience these things. We can call it my “super-sexy, confident, happy recipe” and I am in charge of this recipe every single day.
This might include making requests of my husband. However making a request is different than making demands, ultimatums, or (most common) having unspoken expectations and needs. My requests can sound something like this, “Hey babe, when you get home today will you kiss me all over my face and lift me off my feet?” Perfect. He knows what to do and I get exactly what I want.
What is great about living this way is First, I’m happy a lot of the time because I’m not waiting for anything or anyone to make me happy. Second, everything my sweetie does for me is a gift of joy and sweetness, because I have no expectations that he is responsible for happiness. He is not filling an empty container that desperately needs love and affection to be happy. My container is full. It’s like I’m responsible for my own cake, and he just piles on the frosting!
Habit #2 – Always assuming my partner adores me and is acting with my best interest in mind
This one habit of mine makes all the difference in the world. When I always assume these things about my husband, it becomes clear that anything that I experience as something different than love is just a miscommunication. When a miscommunication occurs, I can go to him and ‘check out reality’ by telling him what my “story” is, how I feel, and finding out what I don’t understand.
The best thing about always assuming that my partner adores me and is acting in my best interest, is that I feel like a completely loved and cherished goddess all the time.
Why this habit is possible: This habit is possible because my mate always operates with integrity. He doesn’t do or say things that are out-of-alignment with his true self. Therefore, I can trust him. I never have to wonder about his intentions or honesty, so I know I can safely make these positive assumptions and not listen to the little negative “gremlin” voice in my head that causes doubt and insecurity.
*Please note: This kind of trust is possible when you have a history with a partner where their words and action always align and where you always feel safe. If you have a partner who often lies to you, cultivating this habit will just cause more harm.
Habit #3 – I am a teammate with my partner, not with my thoughts.
You’ve seen the bumper sticker, “Don’t believe everything you think” right? Well, guess what? It’s true. The mind comes up with all sorts of crazy thoughts all the time. You don’t have to believe them. You don’t even have to believe them when you have strong emotions attached to them. You get to choose what emotions and thoughts you want to align yourself with.
Sometimes on days I am sensitive my husband can say something and I can get a rush of emotion and my thoughts will tell me to ‘take it personally’. Each of us has an inner protector (also known as your ego) that can get activated at times like this. If we don’t control that inner protector it can cause us to lash out at people we love. When this happens to me, and just give voice to it. I will say to my husband something like,
“Oh my gosh, when you said that (thing you just said) my thoughts told me that you were putting me down. My thoughts are causing this crazy defensive emotion in me right now, and I’m really struggling to stay open and loving to you”
Then, usually we will both laugh together, and my husband will come give me a hug, kiss my nose and proceed to explain what he actually meant. Sometimes, we even investigate together what triggered me to feel defensive. This is cool because I get to learn more about me, he gets to learn more about me, and we get to grow together.
Why this habit is possible: This habit is possible because I know that my partner is at his core a kind person. He doesn’t treat me badly, he isn’t rude to waiters, he is kind to his friends and enemies alike. Therefore, because I know his ‘base level’ is kindness, it creates a safe space for me to choose the thoughts that create the most love and joy in my life.
*Please note: ALWAYS trust yourself and your intuition. Always. Every single. time. Just make sure you have discernment on what is your intuition and what is a thought. Thoughts cannot always be trusted. Knowing the difference is called wisdom, and luckily, we can all cultivate more of that!
Mindy Amita Aisling
ICF Life Coach,
NFPT Fitness Trainer,
OMA Certified Mediator
Mindy Aisling is a certified life and business coach in Bend, OR, exceeding all of the educational requirements & training set forth by the ICF.
She has worked with such organizations as St. Charles Hospital, Soroptimists, The Dispute Resolution Center, Olympic Medical Center, Americorps, and Juvenile and Family Services.
She has been featured in the New York Times, The Seattle Times, The Bend Bulletin, The Peninsula Daily News, KOMO 4 TV, The Oregonian and many more. You can learn more about Mindy here.
Mindy offers professional, affordable online coaching to clients around the world, and local coaching to clients in Bend, Oregon.
Licensed and Insured